It is true the allure of instant gratification has spread to our kitchens to our communications. Twitter and text messaging is the informational equivalent of frozen food and the microwave. Papers like the free Red Eye here in Chicago boil down the news to ultra short-form journalism. They “nuggetize it.” Doesn’t matter if its chicken or media, process the shit out of it and they will swallow it whole. What used to take a full paragraph now takes a sentence-and-a-half.  Now sure all you old-timers can wine about the deteriorating effects of our watered down correspondences, I do all the time, but what about the possible positive aspects? I think laconic discourse can be good or bad, but either way its inevitable.

In an information age there is too much damn information! How else is my generation supposed to deal with the massive amounts of info available for us. Sure thanks to deregulation of the telecoms sector in the nineties mass media is dominated by ten companies.  That’s why mass media sucks, but the Internet changed the game.  Wikipedia alone has claimed months of my life. We need something to strain that information so we don’t go absolutely crazy. We are all half-crazy. In the post-post-modern age if you don’t agree you’re little crazy, you need to be locked up. Because trust me you are crazy and potentially dangerous.  Know anyone who thinks they have it all under control? Run. Run before you see just how in control they think they are.

I admit, the increasing appeal of brevity of the information age has spawned the nefarious  institution of  internet speak.  Thankfully I think this blog is a little to high-brow to get an “OMG! Lolz ur blog like  ToTaLlY made me LMFAO!!!! : O” comments. This is bad brevity. However, brevity is not always a sign of stupidity. In fact according to Shakespeare, a man who knew a thing or two about tying words together, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” That’s right. It isn’t just your imagination old-timers. We are a bunch of smart asses who like to back talk.  We just can’t get enough of ourselves. This isn’t such a bad thing once you think about how many problems could have been avoided if more people talked back.

2006 Wall Steet: “Just rate those mortgage backed securities A double plus plus. We need that Hedge Fund’s buissiness!”

1973 Ford Headquarters: “Screw recalling the death trap, just hire some more lawyers its gonna be cheaper to go to court.”

1955 Phillip Morris Head Quarters: “Just bury those files we have about cigarettes causing cancer”

1940 Berlin: “So here is my final solution… ”

On and on into the annals of prehistory, if only there were more smart asses perhaps there would be less suffering.

I’m not saying that my generation’s knack for being short has translated into an automatic vehicle for questioning authority. It might have just translated into us telling all of our “followers” how delicious that pancake breakfast was via mobile phone, but nonetheless perhaps it makes us more apt to think twice. How many times have you sweated over a text, analyzing every word, making sure it hits that special person just right? That is the way I know how much I like a girl. Anything over ten minutes per message and it might be love.

Anyways before Generation Y staked out a monopoly on brevity another group of people did it better.  The great Rulers of Lakonia, the Spartans set a high standard for brevity (yes, that is why laconic is a synonym for brief). In Ancient Sparta talk was not cheap.  These people prided themselves on being hard. An ancient Spartan would have the baddest thugs on the South Side shaking in their Timberlands.  These were people who purposely didn’t feed their children enough so they would have to steal. If they got caught though they would be flogged. This so they would be good at stealing. Being that tough they didn’t need much communication. They didn’t need to be asked if they had a good day or how they were feeling. If they were going to debase themselves with such an emotional need as conversations well it damn well better be short. It implies clarity, certitude, and strength.  It is no surprise good writing has short sentences. Short sentences punch.

So great and ballsy were the Spartan when it came to brief etiquette they gave us a lines that still managed to be the best writing in a modern full length feature. “Then we will fight in the shade” responded Leonidas to Xerxes’ messengers when threatened that Persian’s arrows would block out the sun.   There are many other great Spartan sayings. When asked why they didn’t have an occupation, a spartan replied “[...]Our aim is that, unlike you, we shouldn’t be concerned with every random pastime.” While I’d like to think they were a leisurely people who appreciated the little things, it might have also had something to do with the ten slaves to every one Spartan.  The sayings of Spartan women are perhaps some of the best and meanest coldest.  Upon hearing her son died in battle a lady of Spartan replied, “Bury him, and let his brother take his place.” There were no Cindy Sheehans in Sparta.

Aside from the militancy and slaving, the Spartans are a group my generation could learn from. They were all dedicated to their community. They feared neither enemies or death and they didn’t wake up to be self-conscious ninnies.  The only problem with today is enemies and allies are so intermingled and convoluted it can be hard to know who to bring the fight to and who to fight beside.  Once you do figure out who you it is you should fight though please don’t be left with only “WTF-ur a lil bech.  not FML , FYL fer realz.” Read up on the Spartans and other sources of wit so you can represent generation Y or you respective generation, with brevity and intelligence.  You might also consider consulting a dictionary so you don’t spell like a dyslexic.

* I say old-timers because for these people because there are no such things as grown-ups. People don’t grow up. They simply grow old.