That is the ironic thing about love. Something that is supposed to be unselfish devotion is rooted in the desire to have that one person who can’t live without us.  Which of course is bullshit. If a piano were to drop on you’re main squeeze’s head and squash them to death of course you could go on living. It would be hard, but you’d survive. Although there are some instances where people are motivated enough to end their own life after they lose their lover, they are generally the exception that proves the rule. While I don’t like to jump to conclusions, unless of course if we are playing the Office Space inspired board game, I generally characterize  suicides, no matter what the circumstances, as completely irrational bordering on bat-shit-crazy.  Of course I am being cold and cynical, but that is what I do here.

The most epic tech-innovation for judging someones level of dissatisfaction with the holiday is facebook. While I’m sure people have posted even more pathetic things on myspace, I don’t cut myself to relieve stress and  have only thought about dying my hair jet black in passing. So I stick to facebook.  Everyone seems to have a witty or not so witty Valentines Day facebook status.  “Happy Valentines Day <3 ” is a stock status for single girls. As far as I can tell this means, “please, someone, anyone wish me a happy Valentines and make a pass at me.” Straight up cynics might go with the “Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day” following Liz Lemon’s example from 30 Rock who chooses to honor the first wave feminist born on the 14th rather than capitulate to Hallmark’s schemes.  Others summed up their view on Valentines days by saying that it is “overrated.”  Thus proving they don’t really care that no one is giving them flowers. Though by far the most pathetic Valentines Day status I ran acrross was a video montage dedicated to “a friend.” This video reportedly took four hours to make and involved plenty of dorm room dancing antics. While I’m glad to say no video footage of myself engaging in such behavior exists, if it didn’t I would be pretty with whoever put it on the internet. If this magnanimous waste of time isn’t a proof of loneliness and heart-ache I don’t know what is. The saddest part is seems to try to portray the author as happy and fulfilled socially by showing how good of friends they have.  This going above and beyond to prove how stable and secure you are with your current social arrangement is the most disturbing part of what this holiday does to the single.

However, I suppose there is a brighter side of love. Its nice when people can find someone they are truly happy with and have a beautiful and harmonious relationship. However, let it be stated that I don’t want to be anywhere near these freaks. While the couple that is always at each others throats is not the most fun to be around, I would hangout with them any day over the couple so in love that it’s stomach churning. At least with the constantly fighting couple you can pick sides, switch sides, and add to the general dysphoria. In the opposite situation there is no room to coexist. You can join in on their embarrassing baby talk, but they won’t like it. Take it from me they might even think you are mocking them and their foolish belief that they are “perfect” for one another. You can also take it from me that after they get done kissing, yelling “my turn” and trying to pounce on which ever one is of interest will not be received cordially. No, when around people who really believe they’ve found “the one”  the only thing to do is sit there and be angry at the world that you’re all alone in.  Fortunately in a few months they will start to get sick of one another and begin to bicker and fight like all couples in a healthy relationship.

The important thing for the single is to keep taking risks. If there are no risks there is no reward. The great thing about the economics of romance is you only invest shreds of your dignity at a time, and even if you lose it you’re not much worse off.  If the romantic gambit fails then you end up stuffing your face alone, pretty much what you would have been doing any ways.  (Exactly what I am about to do right now.) Your dignity only stays broken until you forget the embarrassing episode, and you are no worse off for trying.

Amidst the candy, flowers, and bitterness there are some brave souls out there reminding us that love isn’t just a game, it’s a contest.  Like Jeff Ondash a “speed hugger” complete with fire retardant suit in case the hugging gets out off control, who set the world record for the most hugs in twenty-four hours. The man hugged 7777 people outside a casino in Vegas.  He is quite the hug-slut.  But leave it to those hot blooded Latino peoples though one up Teddy McHuggin’s exploits.  Mexico City set the world record for biggest make-out party yesterday. 40,000 people gathered in the town center to kiss their loved one with 19,998 other couples.

Luckily the media has picked up on these interesting stories so we won’t be distracted with newsworthy stories like how many people NATO killed with its rocket attack  this weekend or what Iran will do when it finally gets the bomb.  Then we’d all really feel lonely.