A general escalation of rhetoric has caused many “wars” to be been declared on objects that don’t actually exist or aren’t actually capable of fighting back. The most prominent example is the War on Terror. I thought terror was an emotion. The only way I could think of fighting it was to Xanax bomb our own people. Oh how little I knew. I did some research Drugs, Christmas,  Cancer, and Poverty have all also been declared war on.  I can see the attraction of declaring war on something that you don’t actually intend to kill.  It is a powerful metaphor. Its a way to,  without nuance or any gray area, express opposition to a phenomenon. Its much simpler to declare “war” on something than to examine the problem and fix it. It gets people wrapped up in their feelings, their inclinations, their hatred. Blinded by emotion there is no need to think. There is only need to march.

Ironically some wars are declared by the proponents of the cause being warred on. The war on Christmas for instance seems to have been declared by Fox News. Though they seem to be defending Christmas, no other news services is as devout in their coverage of “militant gay radicals” or the secular ivory towers disrespect for Christmas or the Christian religion. I’ve yet to meet a militant gay radical. I don’t think I would even know they exist if it wasn’t for Fox News. But thanks to their fair and balanced coverage I’m well informed of the problem. Anytime I find myself in boys town here in Chicago I’m on the look out for dudes on roller skates sporting pink AK-47′s and lavender ski masks. I ease drop on every conversation, keenly listening for anyone talking about how  “that Marc Jacobs edition platinum plated RPG-launcher is absolutely to die for!” You can also spot militant gay radicals  using the Fox News Gay-Dar verification system. For five easy payments of fifty dollars, the G.D.V.S. will tell you if your co-worker who seems just a tad effeminate is a God-hating homosexual fascist destroying the institution of the family before its too late. Bill and the gang all swear by it. If only Fox News could tell me how to get rid of these damn baptist ministers who keep trying to get me to go to church.

The war on drugs is another straight forward sounding affair that can quickly turn complicated upon logical examination. Drugs fuck people up. So lets make drugs illegal. Not all drugs though. Certain drugs we need. For example coffee. No other drug is more central to our way of life. How traders be expected to get all jacked up in the morning and trade away our tax dollars and pension funds if it wasn’t for coffee.  That I understand. But some of the other drugs well I just don’t understand what makes some legal and others illegal.

The classic example is pot and alcohol. Both can get rather smelly. Both can have a dulling effect on the intellect. Alcohol, the legal one, makes people violent and extroverted. While Marijuana, the illegal one, makes people docile and introverted. Hmm? Now what kind of tricky piece of mental gymnastics did our politicians come up to rationalized this. We don’t mind people’s drunken debauchery, promiscuous sex, and bar-fights but them having some quiet time to think spent curled up with a bag of Doritos is a threat to our way of life? It’s almost as if they are looking for an excuse to lock people up. If I like to drink well odds are I like to get rowdy and it’s only a matter of time until I get too rowdy. Then the Police can taser me and haul me off to jail.  If I don’t want to go out and get crazy but prefer to stay home and puff the magic dragon, well I’m still a criminal. It seems if I want to dull my mind in any other way besides television I will end up a criminal.

Its strange too the legal drugs are by far the deadliest. According to drugwarfacts.org, Tobacco kills an estimated 435,000 people each year. Alcohol kills 85,000 a year.  Proscription drugs altercations claim 32,000 per year.  Illicit drug use kill only an estimated 17,000 per year. Compared to the handsome gentlemen in the suit explaining the third quarters earnings report for Phillip Morris, Anheuser-Bush, or Pfizer, crack-dealers are pwayful widdle puddy tats. Just don’t tell O.G. down on the corner that, he might feel inclined to convince you otherwise. As long as were talking about what kills Americans an estimated 365,000 Americans die each year from eating to much bacon and sitting on their asses watching TV. Have you talked to your children about the dangers TV and high-fructose corn syrup?

So as far as I can see the war on drugs tries to take most of the really fun drugs away from us so we make into work on Monday and slam some more Folgers. The Government instead lets us have all the cigarettes, alcohol, and shitty food we want, so we die young and don’t clog up the social security system for long. We have to think about our children and their future after all.

The war on terror like the war on drugs starts as a war on a concept but ends as a war on people, two wars to be precise. Our little terrorist problem originates in of our domineering and hypocritical foreign policy, dire economic straits abroad, and the absolution religious extremism offers. This is a very complicated set of issues such that a proper response to would include addressing its root causes, but fuck that. If you thought we’d actually do that, then you haven’t known America for very long. Better intelligence, more equitable foreign policy, and demanding a healthy dose of secularism in from our friends in the middle east would be a great steps towards stopping terrorist attacks. That would mean standing  up to the Saudis for being theocratic despots and demonizing us as they make money hand over fist selling us oil. That would also mean holding Israel accountable  for dropping phosphorus bombs on Palestinians. Considering the World Bank is funding the wall in Israel and the cozy relationship between Dubai and the Bush family, my hopes are about as likely as Bill O’rielly saying something insightful. No instead of a fighting terror by taking steps to repair the situation in the middle east, we’re fighting with terror with terror. That’s right, “we will put a boot in your ass it’s the American way!” just as soon as we’ve finished reaming it.

Dropping bombs on the Arab peoples will surely make them love freedom and see the U.S. isn’t a threat their way of life. Plus we deposed Saddam that despot that we only supported for a few short years when he went to war with Iran.  Also we uprooted the Taliban, who we only supported and trained for a few short years when they were at war with Russia. We replaced the Taliban with Karzai, who was a U.S. supported mujaheddin and has ties to the opium trade. So that he could replace the Taliban’s theocratic tyranny with his brand of theocratic tyranny-now with 30% less tyranny! Freedom is on the March.

Indeed these freedom-haters must pay. Since they don’t belong to a state group and don’t wear uniforms, we don’t have to worry about their human rights or dignity Any people that tries to fight a superior power and doesn’t clearly label themselves doesn’t deserve human rights.  Such group is a bunch of cowards, unlike the men and women who serve in our military. They are all heroes. Some of their courage we regularly forget to mention, like the men flying predator drones on unmanned bombing missions or the AC-130 gunner who blasts the evil-doers below through infrared cameras with 20 mm, 40mm, or 105mm rounds. Those pussies on the other side have to resort to home made road-side bombs and suicide bombers. What girlie-men they are taking on our military with their cheap tactics. Think about it. Our soldiers are clearly uniformed. In their army fatigues, armor plated hummers, and tanks, they mind as well be wearing bright red coats.  These insurgents take pot shots from behind cover in the towns they have grown up it, while our men patrol the foreign streets in formation. It’s down right unconscionable. Next thing you know those lousy freedom-haters are going to raid a ship and throw American goods into the Persian gulf.

Oh well, we’re at war. I guess there is nothing we can do when your at war. In war nothing makes sense. Fortunately all we have to do is destroy our enemies. Luckily there is no need to think in. Only a need to march. We’ll just have to put our head down  and stay the course.