It is true the allure of instant gratification has spread to our kitchens to our communications. Twitter and text messaging is the informational equivalent of frozen food and the microwave. Papers like the free Red Eye here in Chicago boil down the news to ultra short-form journalism. They “nuggetize it.” Doesn’t matter if its chicken or media, process the shit out of it and they will swallow it whole. What used to take a full paragraph now takes a sentence-and-a-half.  Now sure all you old-timers can wine about the deteriorating effects of our watered down correspondences, I do all the time, but what about the possible positive aspects? I think laconic discourse can be good or bad, but either way its inevitable.

In an information age there is too much damn information! How else is my generation supposed to deal with the massive amounts of info available for us. Sure thanks to deregulation of the telecoms sector in the nineties mass media is dominated by ten companies.  That’s why mass media sucks, but the Internet changed the game.  Wikipedia alone has claimed months of my life. We need something to strain that information so we don’t go absolutely crazy. We are all half-crazy. In the post-post-modern age if you don’t agree you’re little crazy, you need to be locked up. Because trust me you are crazy and potentially dangerous.  Know anyone who thinks they have it all under control? Run. Run before you see just how in control they think they are.

I admit, the increasing appeal of brevity of the information age has spawned the nefarious  institution of  internet speak.  Thankfully I think this blog is a little to high-brow to get an “OMG! Lolz ur blog like  ToTaLlY made me LMFAO!!!! : O” comments. This is bad brevity. However, brevity is not always a sign of stupidity. In fact according to Shakespeare, a man who knew a thing or two about tying words together, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” That’s right. It isn’t just your imagination old-timers. We are a bunch of smart asses who like to back talk.  We just can’t get enough of ourselves. This isn’t such a bad thing once you think about how many problems could have been avoided if more people talked back.

2006 Wall Steet: “Just rate those mortgage backed securities A double plus plus. We need that Hedge Fund’s buissiness!”

1973 Ford Headquarters: “Screw recalling the death trap, just hire some more lawyers its gonna be cheaper to go to court.”

1955 Phillip Morris Head Quarters: “Just bury those files we have about cigarettes causing cancer”

1940 Berlin: “So here is my final solution… ”

On and on into the annals of prehistory, if only there were more smart asses perhaps there would be less suffering.

I’m not saying that my generation’s knack for being short has translated into an automatic vehicle for questioning authority. It might have just translated into us telling all of our “followers” how delicious that pancake breakfast was via mobile phone, but nonetheless perhaps it makes us more apt to think twice. How many times have you sweated over a text, analyzing every word, making sure it hits that special person just right? That is the way I know how much I like a girl. Anything over ten minutes per message and it might be love.

Anyways before Generation Y staked out a monopoly on brevity another group of people did it better.  The great Rulers of Lakonia, the Spartans set a high standard for brevity (yes, that is why laconic is a synonym for brief). In Ancient Sparta talk was not cheap.  These people prided themselves on being hard. An ancient Spartan would have the baddest thugs on the South Side shaking in their Timberlands.  These were people who purposely didn’t feed their children enough so they would have to steal. If they got caught though they would be flogged. This so they would be good at stealing. Being that tough they didn’t need much communication. They didn’t need to be asked if they had a good day or how they were feeling. If they were going to debase themselves with such an emotional need as conversations well it damn well better be short. It implies clarity, certitude, and strength.  It is no surprise good writing has short sentences. Short sentences punch.

So great and ballsy were the Spartan when it came to brief etiquette they gave us a lines that still managed to be the best writing in a modern full length feature. “Then we will fight in the shade” responded Leonidas to Xerxes’ messengers when threatened that Persian’s arrows would block out the sun.   There are many other great Spartan sayings. When asked why they didn’t have an occupation, a spartan replied “[...]Our aim is that, unlike you, we shouldn’t be concerned with every random pastime.” While I’d like to think they were a leisurely people who appreciated the little things, it might have also had something to do with the ten slaves to every one Spartan.  The sayings of Spartan women are perhaps some of the best and meanest coldest.  Upon hearing her son died in battle a lady of Spartan replied, “Bury him, and let his brother take his place.” There were no Cindy Sheehans in Sparta.

Aside from the militancy and slaving, the Spartans are a group my generation could learn from. They were all dedicated to their community. They feared neither enemies or death and they didn’t wake up to be self-conscious ninnies.  The only problem with today is enemies and allies are so intermingled and convoluted it can be hard to know who to bring the fight to and who to fight beside.  Once you do figure out who you it is you should fight though please don’t be left with only “WTF-ur a lil bech.  not FML , FYL fer realz.” Read up on the Spartans and other sources of wit so you can represent generation Y or you respective generation, with brevity and intelligence.  You might also consider consulting a dictionary so you don’t spell like a dyslexic.

* I say old-timers because for these people because there are no such things as grown-ups. People don’t grow up. They simply grow old.

So my friend and I mounted our bikes and rode off to the party, the lesbian party. When we arrived everyone seemed confused. They eyed us suspiciously. “Who do you know here?” an assertive female voice demanded.

“Eh? Jessica.” I said naming the friend of the roommate of the house who I was better acquainted with.

“Uhh… there’s no Jessica here!” another snidely countered. I knew she was there I had just gotten off the phone with her. However, you don’t contradict a testy Sapphic princess in her own house.

“Well what about Tiffany?” Immediately all doubt was erased from their faces.

“Oh she’s up in her room. Come here I will show you.” Said one of the guests. The scene in Tiffany’s room was a bit depressing. Besides being led up and away from the party like a patient placed in quarantine Jessica’s and her boyfriend had broken up just two nights ago.  Whiskey was the answer. We all drank deeply. The highlight of the night occurred just after twelve. We went on the roof and screamed profanities and love songs. Then we went down to the party to exploit some Champaign. Soon though the bubbly, whisky, and beer proved to potent drunkenness and I can’t recall some of the surely more terrible and hilarious moments of the evening. I woke up on the masonite flooring in Tiffany’s room thinking wow that night went by really quick.

Though I’ve never been good at big events or holidays, I have a theory that New Years Eve is a big fat disappointment waiting to happen for most of us. We try to end the year with a bang, even though we could say the year starts for on January 26 instead, like the Chinese. Either way though we will hype the celebration so thoroughly that few if any real experiences can live up to it. For example even if I had the money to go to Playboys Party at the W. I still probably wouldn’t end up hanging out with any playmates unless I was a V.I.P. But then I would be disappointed if I didn’t bring one home.

Another example is my other friend who attended a Black Keys concert on New Years Eve. He is a huge fan and has liked the Black Keys since they were just gaining a little traction with Thickfreakness. Unfortunately for him they only played a short hour and half long set. Not only that, but he had to share the experience with a bunch of people who didn’t have the same enthusiasm for the band as he did. Also, the girls in his party were obscenely drunk.  The point isn’t only that the expectations are set to high and no matter what New Years Eve is going to be a disappointment, but also that magical forces come together on New Years to make sure it sucks. I think these forces are due to the fact that were celebrating something that doesn’t deserve celebration.

Think about it on New Years people celebrate finishing one year and starting another. So we’re celebrating being done and starting over, but nothing has actually ended or started. Instead of looking back over the last twelve months and taking an honest look at how we spent our time, we rubber stamp them and move on to next year, the next big movie, the next gadget, the next pop star, the next party ect.  We say were going to do things differently. We have resolutions and make pacts with our friends about losing weight or quitting smoking.  But do we actually stop and think why it is we want to do these things. Or are they just accepted as good, and that’s that.  So in the spirit of reevaluation I turn to some of the dominant themes of 2009 and Make some predictions about 2010.

Health Care

In the face of the “Great Recession” the congress has been completely enraptured in Health Care reform for the last year.  Though I doubt know much about our current health care system, I do know that the all the attention paid towards fixing it has left our banking system unregulated and poised for another crash.  So when the next depression hits at least we will all have health care provided that the senate and house can hammer out an agreement before then. Even when they do I predict will be such an amalgamation of special interest provisions and political compromises that Health Care system in this country will remain broken for years to come.

The funniest thing to come out the health care debate was blue-collar schmucks who were terrified that Obama was trying to turn America into a communist country.  Most hilariously pathetic were the people on Medicare and social security telling the government to stay out of their lives. Oh if only they picked up a book once in a while maybe they wouldn’t be so stupid.  The thing I am sure we won’t see in 2010: some one with a national audience asking if its right that health care is a for profit industry in the first place. Should a sick person be at the mercy of a capitalist enterprise when trying to get well? Is it right to make money off of other peoples sicknesses? Of course some jackass is out there screaming the free market does it better! But do that jackasses know that the pharmaceutical industry spends twice as much convincing you that you need their drugs as it does developing them?

Twitter

Holy shit, can we please stop talking about it?  It’s a website that allows people to post short message that then get relayed to their “followers” cell phones via text message. This technological marvel impressed the hell out of ever media outlet in the U.S. in 2009.  The media, not surprisingly, attributed some sort of hyper significance to “tweeting.” Sounding like a smart phone commercial the media often probed as to whether twitter was a true information technology revolution that would bring us all closer together into and the interwoven digital network of virtual society… or if it was just a bunch of bullshit.  Meanwhile people in the suburbs still don’t talk to their neighbors and I am sick of idiotic celebrities 140 characters or less anecdotes about where they are currently shopping or eating at.  My prediction is that in 2010 the media will finally stop pretending that twitter is an awesome tool to foster greater interconnectedness when Obama accidently tweets on the toilet “Oh mama that’s stinky… you can really smell the egg fu young from last night” only meaning to text Joe Biden who secretly shares his sick, disgusting sense of humor.  At that moment the media will realize that some things are better kept amongst small circles.

Sustainability

Everyone from businesses to governments has been talking about sustainability. It’s the magic word that charms and amazes without ever being defined or contextualized.  Massive oil companies can continue to drill and spill millions of gallons of crude each year as long as they remind us that they are also looking for sustainable sources of energy. Governments are legislating sustainable stimulus packages that will borrow us out of over indebtedness.  For all the talk of sustainability there has been little action. We still source our Nikes and Hanes from the poorest nations in the world. Investment Banks and Hedge Funds still can make un-collateralized financial innovations. Two wars still rage on in the Middle East with both sides sustainably firing millions and millions of rounds per year.  The corpracotracy still is dependent on consumers buying consumption goods throwing them out only to run out and do it all over again. It seems the only thing we are sustaining is our propensity for bullshit and hypocrisy.  I predict that half way through 2010 “sustainability” will be dropped for a new buzzword because people in the media will realize how oxymoronic it is to talk about sustainable pollution practices. Of course our pollution practice are sustainable. I bet it is exponentially sustainable. I bet we can turn out more trash each year for at least another thirty years! My three guesses for the buzzword to replace sustainability are proportionable, torrentially, and snowballity. I can here Katie Couric now, “But Ms. Speaker how is this program going compensate for the lack of snowballity we’ve seen with other like programs?”

Lady Gaga

Why Lady Gaga? Because Gwen Stefani is getting old and just isn’t weird enough any more. In this post post modern world we need our pop starts to be weird, really weird. We don’t have flying cars yet and that just pisses us off.  So we need a futurist gothic sexually ambiguous pop star with an immense capacity for babble to distract us.  In this day and age of euphemism were so sick of hearing dribble that is supposed to mean something, we’re just dying for dribble that doesn’t mean anything at all, just words with no underlying idea or concept behind them. Ga Ga Rah Rah Rah, Ga Ga Rah Rah Rah because thinking is just too damn hard.  And, I mean everything has been said before, so why not just make some shit up. I predict in 2010 that Ms. Gaga and Lindsey Lohan will elope and then make a sex tape. Then get divorced and become more famous than ever. The sex tape will likely feature techno-bondage, some mild bestiality, and plenty of incomprehensible babble.

That is my reconsideration of the biggest themes from 2009 and how the fate of these fads will play out in 2010.  Thanks for reading. Happy Fucking New Year.